strength (read this)

I finished my 2 morning classes.. I remember nothing. Love has taken me through some steep hills and slides. I'm sitting here, alone in my dorm. I can finally listen to the music that I appreciate. I am having a good time here. But the things I left back at home... well, I left back at home. I don't want to leave this place. I want to stay here in this new world. If I retreat, I will start to miss the things that inevitably left me. The feelings I felt-- are nothing but a stall out. I had memories. Those are back at home too. I thought I was happy here. But clearly, I am not. I met someone here at school. This person is usually there for me. I just wanted to be friends, but she wants more. I told her to set our limits. She abides. But I've had something that would fill this void. I plan to keep it a void-- hoping that it will be filled with only what it's familiar with. I'm so sad, in yet, my body is too confused/overwhelmed to take any actions. I wish this did not happen to me. The interpretations of me has no justice. This friend of mine noticed something about me. Something that is common sense through her intuition but a sort of foreign language for my kind. "You're different because you KNOW yourself." Within those 2 seconds, I realized-- and it clicked. I do know myself. But my actions don't live up to these words. If I knew myself, I would not have left myself. I know this is harder for you, 'cause Love has let you down. You're alone, but I am not. I have what I need. But the extensions of having a partner was appreciated. I failed to give you everything you need. I saw the fears behind your eyes when we seperated. When I can feel you, I'm not alright. This means I still love you, Christine Lee. Just wait for me to come back home.

..Chris

Hi, I'm Chris. Bi-polarilty describes my appetite. I eat or don't eat. I'm old. I can buy things and swear. I'm sensative, not masculine. I eat meat. I like music-- I can play some. I'm chill-- yet apathetic. For some people, that's considered to be malicious. I find it beneficial, because unlike some people, I am fully there. I wake up in the morning. I sleep somewhat at night. I need estrogen-- it keeps my face in sync. I smoke. It's a habit. I don't care much for my phone. Fuck iphones. I care about my appearance. I don't care if my hair is messy. I like shoes-- I own many. I don't need to show my outcries. I hide them inside by silence. I hate whispering. Love is a characteristic. If not, a motif. Love is not a verb. It may fuck you over. Money is an issue. I wish I had a lot. I have enough. I like skinny jeans that wrap my ass. I don't like apple/mac. PC grew up with me-- as well as many others born in the 90s. I wish I could go back-- but I am actually comfortable here. It paid off. My belt has no purpose-- it just looks good. I can't match colors. I want to be able to draw better. I take pictures. But I have no camera. I'm just here. Leave me alone. I only smile when there is a purpose. I'm a pretty boy. Not a jock. Nor will I ever be. I like movies. They help boost my persona. I eat junk food. But I usually run it off. I like being alone. I like when it's quiet. In yet, I like to wake up with a girl I care about looking over me. I like being the little spoon. I like being Chris. Hi, I'm me.

Stained

My 2 Cents

I hate the guy that always has to be better than the other. I'm considered to be at a "lower" state because I choose not to entice any belligerence. I'm not right, but I'm far from wrong. A guy like this may make it through anything that is thrown, but he will be blinded and not experience the adversaries that I tend to face. Chris sits in a dark corner to see who mocks and spits at him-- absorbing everything so that he may finally fend and brush off the unnecessary-- hammering down the nails that stick up so that only the essentials have their limelight; then everything becomes crystal clear. Avoid barbarism. I'm just "that" guy, and not "the" guy. This is my rendezvous with maintaining human society--maintaining the cycle where the rich stay rich, and the poor tremble. I am the poor man who does not mind. I rather be the nerd and not the jock. Because in the end, I gained the most as a misfit, and I can now properly define "rich".